ʕ•㉨•ʔ

09:13 PM

I recently started watching The Bear. The depiction of PTSD is pretty viseral — I think it captures the anxiety of the time, people having flashbacks and panic attacks because the distribution of their dentity between work, labour and action [vita activa] is compromised.

The difference is the behavioural tendency of the characters is towards mania. After his friend's death, Rick doesn't quite know what's normal anymore— his life is losing certainty. He goes into attention-seeking-hyperdrive mode everytime his emotions are disorganised. He'll tell everyone in the kitchen stories and try to be the center of attention — even if that means being a hindrance to other.

I sort of see this in my own self — in social situations, my brain latches on to what my 'take' is on things — the urge to drive the conversation kicks in — and I 'overparticipate'. This is probably ADHD? Its hard to sit still and hold back. I vibrate with anxiety. I can't take it anymore. I'm hopped up. I'm swerving the sterring wheel. I'm super stimulated. Its hard to not care. At this stage, I'll even interrupt myself mid sentence. I'm not sure how people who say nothing the whole duration of a class manage that. Surely they must be harbouring some degree of apathy.

I only feel this in group settings. I spend most of my time alone trying to chase hints of fleeting motivation. I vibrate with indecision. I'm in the backseat, not sure if my seat bealt is on. I sit in silence and let the urge to do something hold me captive with guilt.

I'm not sure how I managed to write 3 paragraphs of this. Its cathartic, you would thing I would remember this feeling and recreate it. But that's not up to me. I'm not allowed to do this very often.

ʕ ノ ಠᴥಠʔ ノ 彡 ┻━┻ /